Girl.. or Boy?

I have an ultrasound today which will hopefully reveal to me the sex of the baby. Although I'd truly be happy with either, there are a few reasons why having a girl would make things less complicated.
For one, the father is insistent on naming the baby after him if its a boy. He would have the same first, middle and last name and be "the third." I've never agreed with people branding their children with their names, and have always strongly felt that a person deserves his/her own name. This is one thing he won't budge on, however. So if its a boy, there will be many fights to be had. But if its a girl, then I get to name it which would be a lot more fun.
Also, since it looks like the child will be living mainly with me, it seems it would also be easier and more suited if it were a girl.

But I guess we'll see! I'm 19 weeks along now so hopefully they can tell me for sure either way. Stay tuned.

Being Honest

Yesterday, I had a difficult conversation with the father. I told him that I didn't think him and I would work together as a couple. I don't want us to marry just for the kid and I don't think forcing a relationship for the child is even a good idea. I was reading online that studies show that children who witness a messy divorce are more likely to have emotional instabilities than those who don't.

He said that he wouldn't be able to let go of us as a couple, unless I gave him a good reason why it wouldn't work. After numerous attempts in telling him that we simply weren't happy together and to "give it up," he still persisted. I finally revealed the truth: that I'm in love with somebody else. If I let this person go to be with someone I'm not equally happy with, I know I'll always think about him and regret it.

His reaction was annoyed, at best, but I could tell he was very hurt. He knows the man I have feelings for and happens to hate him. He said that he's not happy about sharing his child with "the reason it didn't work between me and him." He said that if anything between him and I is dead and buried, then its this other man who holds the shovel.

The hardest part in all this is that the father is from California, and I'm from Ontario, Canada (the other side of the continent.) If I don't marry the father, this may mean that he will live far away from his child for potentially their whole life. I feel like I'm robbing him and my child of something and that'll lead to a lot of hurt in the long run. But on the other hand, I don't think the Dad is the one for me and believe I know who is. Is compromising my happiness for the sake of the kid a good idea? Will my child miss out on a relationship with their Dad because of me? This is all almost too painful for me to bear.

A little more background: Me and the Dad

Two years ago, James (the father) and I were English teachers in South Korea. We met through a friend who set us up on a blind date. I wasn't interested at all at first. He didn't seem like my type and I wasn't attracted to him, so we stayed friends. For the following 10 months, thats all we were.

Three weeks before I left Korea, we began hooking up. The sex was the best I'd ever had in my life and we found out we had a strong connection. I went home and we didn't see eachother for almost 6 months but talked every day online. We planned a trip through southeast Asia together; Thailand and Cambodia.

Although we fought and argued quite a bit during the trip, we decided to try the long distance thing while I went to Australia on a working holiday visa. For another 6 months, we didn't see eachother at all. We finally met upagain  for another trip in SE Asia to Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. After that, he came back with me to Australia and shortly after that, I was pregnant.

He's a great guy and I know he'll do everything to be a good dad. But the honest truth is that I don't believe we have the makings of a relationship that can last years. We're not meant to be. He's from California and I'm from Canada. So not being together will mean that we will live far apart. :-( All of this is very hard to deal with but I want to do whats right for both of us and the baby.

A little background: My Family

I grew up in the 90s, in a middle class nuclear family. I had two brothers, and lots of pet cats. We lived in a single detached house in a small village north of Toronto. From the outside, we appeared to be a normal, happy family but it couldn't have been further from the truth.
My Dad was an alcoholic that was cruel to me for as long as I can remember. I have memories of him stealing money I'd stashed away when I was 7. He would belittle me infront of friends, saying that they were smarter and better at things than I was. As I got older, his insults and behaviour got worse. He told me I was getting fat and zit-faced at 14. He threatened to humiliate me infront of friends if I brought them over. There were a few more serious episodes where he tried to scare me before school in the mornings; once coming into my room with a baseball bat, another time he went ballistic and ripped all my posters down off the walls and threw my stereo across the room. It was common for him to lose his temper in our home and flip tables over, break walls, doors and other things. He once squeezed toothpaste out into my hair. He was a terror to have around. It was the "last straw" for my mom when she came home to find he had poured hot soup all over me. She finally divorced him when I was 15 (but I wish it had been much sooner.)
I will never be close to my mom. She always has, and always will do everything to help me and thats why I would never call her a bad parent. But like my dad, she struggled with emotional problems and was never the emotionally supportive mom I needed. She was always very controlling of me; blantantly reading my diary and letters to friends I'd write when I got older, she'd try to listen in on my phone conversations. She also yelled, a LOT. I have images in my head still of her banging into my room screaming at the top of her lungs. She swore a lot, calling me a "bitch" a few times and often came out with snide remarks in arguments, such as "I hope one day you have a daughter thats exactly like you."
She has her good side too, and thats why I don't want you to judge her too harshly.

No one's family is perfect, but I believe I got the short end of the stick when it came to parents. I forgive my mom, but I will never, ever talk to my Dad again.