A little more background: Me and the Dad

Two years ago, James (the father) and I were English teachers in South Korea. We met through a friend who set us up on a blind date. I wasn't interested at all at first. He didn't seem like my type and I wasn't attracted to him, so we stayed friends. For the following 10 months, thats all we were.

Three weeks before I left Korea, we began hooking up. The sex was the best I'd ever had in my life and we found out we had a strong connection. I went home and we didn't see eachother for almost 6 months but talked every day online. We planned a trip through southeast Asia together; Thailand and Cambodia.

Although we fought and argued quite a bit during the trip, we decided to try the long distance thing while I went to Australia on a working holiday visa. For another 6 months, we didn't see eachother at all. We finally met upagain  for another trip in SE Asia to Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. After that, he came back with me to Australia and shortly after that, I was pregnant.

He's a great guy and I know he'll do everything to be a good dad. But the honest truth is that I don't believe we have the makings of a relationship that can last years. We're not meant to be. He's from California and I'm from Canada. So not being together will mean that we will live far apart. :-( All of this is very hard to deal with but I want to do whats right for both of us and the baby.

A little background: My Family

I grew up in the 90s, in a middle class nuclear family. I had two brothers, and lots of pet cats. We lived in a single detached house in a small village north of Toronto. From the outside, we appeared to be a normal, happy family but it couldn't have been further from the truth.
My Dad was an alcoholic that was cruel to me for as long as I can remember. I have memories of him stealing money I'd stashed away when I was 7. He would belittle me infront of friends, saying that they were smarter and better at things than I was. As I got older, his insults and behaviour got worse. He told me I was getting fat and zit-faced at 14. He threatened to humiliate me infront of friends if I brought them over. There were a few more serious episodes where he tried to scare me before school in the mornings; once coming into my room with a baseball bat, another time he went ballistic and ripped all my posters down off the walls and threw my stereo across the room. It was common for him to lose his temper in our home and flip tables over, break walls, doors and other things. He once squeezed toothpaste out into my hair. He was a terror to have around. It was the "last straw" for my mom when she came home to find he had poured hot soup all over me. She finally divorced him when I was 15 (but I wish it had been much sooner.)
I will never be close to my mom. She always has, and always will do everything to help me and thats why I would never call her a bad parent. But like my dad, she struggled with emotional problems and was never the emotionally supportive mom I needed. She was always very controlling of me; blantantly reading my diary and letters to friends I'd write when I got older, she'd try to listen in on my phone conversations. She also yelled, a LOT. I have images in my head still of her banging into my room screaming at the top of her lungs. She swore a lot, calling me a "bitch" a few times and often came out with snide remarks in arguments, such as "I hope one day you have a daughter thats exactly like you."
She has her good side too, and thats why I don't want you to judge her too harshly.

No one's family is perfect, but I believe I got the short end of the stick when it came to parents. I forgive my mom, but I will never, ever talk to my Dad again.

14 weeks along. Still travelling..

I'm currently in Liverpool, England visiting a close friend of mine. I'll be back in Canada in a week. I've been travelling for 14 months now and should be excited to go home, but I'm not. I'm dreading living with my mom again and the fear how how stressful things will be for god knows how long while I sort my life out. It seems that the majority of pregnant women are working, married and have their husbands/boyfriends/partners look after them when they're pregnant. My mom is a menopausal divorcee with emotional problems and my home life has never been great. As supportive as she's been for me in all this, I don't think itll be healthy for me under her roof. I need to find a way out as soon as possible.

But, at the same time - I do realize how lucky I am to have a free roof to live under for as long as I need it.

Had I chose to have an abortion (or been careful enough not to get pregnant in the first place) I wouldn't be coming home now. I'd probably still be in Australia, travelling, saving money and planning a new adventure to South America or something. But from the moment I found out I was pregnent, I knew that I would never be the same again. I couldn't go on with my life even if I did give it up. Having this baby truly meant more to be than all of my passions. I will do everything possible to give it the life it deserves.

One thing I am excited about - is to start the pre-natal care process! Medical care in Australia was extremely expensive for me, being a non resident. So all I know so far about this baby is that it was normal and healthy at 6 weeks. Lets hope they can tell me the same next week, when I'm at 15 weeks. Knowing the sex would be nice, too. :)

What am I going to DO????

I'm 3 months pregnant, with no life set up or clue about what I'm going to do to make it work. I appear much stronger on the outside to my friends and family than I feel in the inside.

I'm about to return home after 14 months of travelling the world. No form of stability awaits me there, and I have my work cut out for me when it comes to what I have to figure out. I have 6 months to get ready for this baby!

Many people would think that choosing to keep a baby under circumstances like these may be irresponsible. Although it will be the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced, there are some positive sides to my situation that will help me in the path to single motherhood. I have a degree under my belt, job experience and I’m not a teenager. All  good points. I have a massive student loan, but also decent savings, a supportive network of friends and family, and most importantly: a desire to keep this baby. At the end of the day, the biggest question a mother needs to ask herself when facing an unexpected pregnancy is "do I want to have a baby now?"

Thats all for today.