Life is so overwhelming and confusing right now, feel like I can't handle it!

I'm roughly a month away from giving birth. But my life couldn't be more unstable. I wish more than anything that my circumstances were different. I don't know what happened to me; I used to be smart and successful in everything I set my mind to. I can't believe that I'm 26, dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, living at home with my psychotic mother, and unemployed. I need to change my life around, but there is so much to think about that I just don't know where to start..

The baby's father just lost the majority of his savings to his mother, who he has a bank account linked with. Here in Canada, I've never heard of 'linked bank accounts' but his family has it in California somehow. His family is not very well off and apparently a levy was placed on his mom's account, which resulted from $1800 being withdrawn from his. He's coming to Canada in 2 days to be with me for the birth, and he only has a couple hundred dollars to his name (plus more money he's owed from Australia.) So that's not good.

I've been living at home since March, earning money from online tutoring, mystery shopping, online surveys and selling my belongings to thrif stores. My mom and I have had two very nasty fights in the past two weeks. Living here is free, but I'm absolutely miserable. I can't handle the fights. I worry about the fact that my baby can now hear and probably could make out her screaming at me. I can only hope there's no harm done.

So I've got: no stable home, a partner with no money, a massive student loan to pay off, and NO CLUE what I'm going to do! This is the scariest situation I've ever been in. I'm trying to brainstorm and plan but its so hard to think. :(

When will I be self-sufficient?

As you may have read from an earlier post, I come from a less than ideal home environment - alcoholic father I no longer speak to, over-emotional mother with psychological problems; there was a lot of fighting, yelling, name-calling, and abuse.

The house I'm living in now is the same house I grew up in. Above is a picture of me in front of it years ago. Its just me, my mom and brother there now. I'm very fortunate that my mom has been nothing but supportive since I told her I was pregnant. She lets me live at home rent-free, and I don't usually pay for groceries either. She has already bought me numerous baby items and is planning a baby shower for me. My grandparents have been very helpful too; they gave me $1,000 to put towards a car, and also bought me a crib for $300. I am very lucky to have a family that's helping so much.

I know I should be happy and maybe feeling this way is selfish of me, but... it I have to admit it hurts my pride that I need to accept all this help from my family. As amazing as they've been, I wish more than anything that I could afford to live on my own and afford everything I needed by myself. Sometimes I feel like charity case. Like a knocked up, young teen mom who can hardly support herself. Living at home depresses me because 1) I have terrible memories in this house, 2) it doesn't feel like "home" and 3) I want to live on my own again so badly. When the father comes in August to be there for the birth, it'll be so awkward because my whole family will be eying him up and down. I wish we would have some privacy. And when the baby comes, I want to feel like I can look after her on my own, by myself - not have my mom tell me what to do all the time.

At times I feel like getting pregnant has been a huge disaster. :(

I'm doing everything now to keep my head over the water so that I can be self-sufficient as soon as possible. I have about $4,000 in savings (I just bought a vehicle) and will try as hard as possible to make as much money from selling items to mystery shopping until the baby's born. After she's here, I will apply for every government benefit that I'm entitled to and just try to save. I have a very large student loan, but I've been granted an interest-free break from paying it.

Sigh. Sometimes I wonder when life will be 'ok' again.

My goals for the future

I'm 23 weeks along now (although this picture shows me at 17 weeks) and physically feeling great. This has been a physical complication-free pregnancy, although emotional is another story. Aside from some back pain I had for a week, everything has been normal. The baby's due date one week earlier than originally estimated according to the date of my last period, which must mean she's growing at a very decent pace.

Things between me and the father are still awkward; he seems to have more or less accepted that I do not want to marry him, despite the baby coming. Forcing a relationship that wasn't meant to be for the sake of kids is a poor decision; I know from experience because this is what my own parents did for years. Despite him being from California, and me being from Ontario, Canada, I hope with every molecule of my body that he can still be a big part of her life and that neither of them misses out on having a relationship. My goal never was, and never will be to cut him out. But I can't marry him either.

I come into contact with quite a few other pregnant woman from attending events geared at moms. I feel so different being in the situation I'm in; 25, living at home with my mom, distant father, no job, etc. I try not to make these circumstances apparent when I talk to people, becuase I'm so ashamed. A big part of me wants to move into my own place, but since I can't work, I know I won't be able to afford it. There's no point looking for a job now that the baby will be here in a few months. I need to put the baby first before else, put my pride aside and do what will be best for the long run. In the mean time, I try to follow the steps I outlined below to save money or at least break even while I'm at home.

My goal for the next few years? Pay off a portion of my student debt (I have a lot of it) start a career, rent my own place because I don't want to live at home for years on end, and of course be a great mom.

Thanks to anyone for cheering me on, I need it!

Money making/savings tips

Moms, pregnant women, or even just regular broke women are always looking for ways to make a little extra side cash. Unlike starting your own side business which takes a lot of time/committment, these are some simple things I've learned that anyone can do for extra money. I've been home for a month now trying to "break even" and I live by these things. I'll go into more detail later about things NOT to do, and more in depth about some of these ideas as well.

Fill out online surveys

This is not by any means a serious money-maker, but you get paid for every survey you take and if you do them all the time, it can add up to some extra cash. In a month, I've earned about $35 so far. Like I said, its nothing substantial but it can pay for one nice meal out, new baby outfits, a manicure, lots of things really. In another post, I'll go into some more detail about different survey sites, the rewards, pros and cons.

Mystery Shopping

Like the online surveying, this does not usually amount to a serious income, but you can make some decent extra cash doing it. In the month I've been home, I've earned about $120 so far from mystery shopping and have two more assignments lined up which will grant me another $50 plus a free meal at McDonalds. Like the online surveying, you have to know which sites to trust and which ones not to. More about that in a later post as well.

Always check receipts

Not just so you can make sure you were accurately charged (which is a good idea too) but quite a few retailers, Wal-mart and Michaels to name a few; provide a link on their receipts to an online survey you can fill out based on your customer service experience that day in the store. You don't get paid, however, you usually get entered into a draw to win a decent amount of cash or prizes. Of course the odds are against you, but I think its always worth the few minutes it takes. I've filled out a couple so far and haven't won anything yet, but fingers are always crossed :)

Sell your stuff!
Take some serious time to go through your items, and try to sell them online or at local thrift stores. There are some that will pay cash on the spot for items in good condition; you just have to know where to go. There are others, like the consignment shop in my town, that don't pay you on the spot - however, they pay you a percentage of what your items sell for. I've only made $10 this month so far, but I'm still the process of selling my stuff so hopefully more luck down the line :)

My future baby

Today marks my pregnancy at 19 weeks officially, and is also the day that I posted the big news on my Facebook status.  I had likes, comments, some containing "????" within seconds. People are shocked, and many will think its a joke since it falls on April Fools day, but I figured that was part of the fun. People have acted nothing but excited for me and supportive nonetheless; some of my family members didn't think I should announce it on Facebook, but its something I feel proud of and want to shout from the rooftops. Regardless of my situation, I have every right to be as happy about my baby as anyone else is.

Above is my child in the making! The sonographer says she's 95% certain its a girl, and she's due on Aug. 21st. Can't believe I'm going to be a Mommy in 4.5 month!!

I haven't been working much, aside from casual mystery shopping assignments and selling items from my mom's house. My financial goal for the rest of this pregnancy is to "break even" and not cut too much into my savings, because I'll definitely need them in the future.

Girl.. or Boy?

I have an ultrasound today which will hopefully reveal to me the sex of the baby. Although I'd truly be happy with either, there are a few reasons why having a girl would make things less complicated.
For one, the father is insistent on naming the baby after him if its a boy. He would have the same first, middle and last name and be "the third." I've never agreed with people branding their children with their names, and have always strongly felt that a person deserves his/her own name. This is one thing he won't budge on, however. So if its a boy, there will be many fights to be had. But if its a girl, then I get to name it which would be a lot more fun.
Also, since it looks like the child will be living mainly with me, it seems it would also be easier and more suited if it were a girl.

But I guess we'll see! I'm 19 weeks along now so hopefully they can tell me for sure either way. Stay tuned.

Being Honest

Yesterday, I had a difficult conversation with the father. I told him that I didn't think him and I would work together as a couple. I don't want us to marry just for the kid and I don't think forcing a relationship for the child is even a good idea. I was reading online that studies show that children who witness a messy divorce are more likely to have emotional instabilities than those who don't.

He said that he wouldn't be able to let go of us as a couple, unless I gave him a good reason why it wouldn't work. After numerous attempts in telling him that we simply weren't happy together and to "give it up," he still persisted. I finally revealed the truth: that I'm in love with somebody else. If I let this person go to be with someone I'm not equally happy with, I know I'll always think about him and regret it.

His reaction was annoyed, at best, but I could tell he was very hurt. He knows the man I have feelings for and happens to hate him. He said that he's not happy about sharing his child with "the reason it didn't work between me and him." He said that if anything between him and I is dead and buried, then its this other man who holds the shovel.

The hardest part in all this is that the father is from California, and I'm from Ontario, Canada (the other side of the continent.) If I don't marry the father, this may mean that he will live far away from his child for potentially their whole life. I feel like I'm robbing him and my child of something and that'll lead to a lot of hurt in the long run. But on the other hand, I don't think the Dad is the one for me and believe I know who is. Is compromising my happiness for the sake of the kid a good idea? Will my child miss out on a relationship with their Dad because of me? This is all almost too painful for me to bear.

A little more background: Me and the Dad

Two years ago, James (the father) and I were English teachers in South Korea. We met through a friend who set us up on a blind date. I wasn't interested at all at first. He didn't seem like my type and I wasn't attracted to him, so we stayed friends. For the following 10 months, thats all we were.

Three weeks before I left Korea, we began hooking up. The sex was the best I'd ever had in my life and we found out we had a strong connection. I went home and we didn't see eachother for almost 6 months but talked every day online. We planned a trip through southeast Asia together; Thailand and Cambodia.

Although we fought and argued quite a bit during the trip, we decided to try the long distance thing while I went to Australia on a working holiday visa. For another 6 months, we didn't see eachother at all. We finally met upagain  for another trip in SE Asia to Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. After that, he came back with me to Australia and shortly after that, I was pregnant.

He's a great guy and I know he'll do everything to be a good dad. But the honest truth is that I don't believe we have the makings of a relationship that can last years. We're not meant to be. He's from California and I'm from Canada. So not being together will mean that we will live far apart. :-( All of this is very hard to deal with but I want to do whats right for both of us and the baby.

A little background: My Family

I grew up in the 90s, in a middle class nuclear family. I had two brothers, and lots of pet cats. We lived in a single detached house in a small village north of Toronto. From the outside, we appeared to be a normal, happy family but it couldn't have been further from the truth.
My Dad was an alcoholic that was cruel to me for as long as I can remember. I have memories of him stealing money I'd stashed away when I was 7. He would belittle me infront of friends, saying that they were smarter and better at things than I was. As I got older, his insults and behaviour got worse. He told me I was getting fat and zit-faced at 14. He threatened to humiliate me infront of friends if I brought them over. There were a few more serious episodes where he tried to scare me before school in the mornings; once coming into my room with a baseball bat, another time he went ballistic and ripped all my posters down off the walls and threw my stereo across the room. It was common for him to lose his temper in our home and flip tables over, break walls, doors and other things. He once squeezed toothpaste out into my hair. He was a terror to have around. It was the "last straw" for my mom when she came home to find he had poured hot soup all over me. She finally divorced him when I was 15 (but I wish it had been much sooner.)
I will never be close to my mom. She always has, and always will do everything to help me and thats why I would never call her a bad parent. But like my dad, she struggled with emotional problems and was never the emotionally supportive mom I needed. She was always very controlling of me; blantantly reading my diary and letters to friends I'd write when I got older, she'd try to listen in on my phone conversations. She also yelled, a LOT. I have images in my head still of her banging into my room screaming at the top of her lungs. She swore a lot, calling me a "bitch" a few times and often came out with snide remarks in arguments, such as "I hope one day you have a daughter thats exactly like you."
She has her good side too, and thats why I don't want you to judge her too harshly.

No one's family is perfect, but I believe I got the short end of the stick when it came to parents. I forgive my mom, but I will never, ever talk to my Dad again.

14 weeks along. Still travelling..

I'm currently in Liverpool, England visiting a close friend of mine. I'll be back in Canada in a week. I've been travelling for 14 months now and should be excited to go home, but I'm not. I'm dreading living with my mom again and the fear how how stressful things will be for god knows how long while I sort my life out. It seems that the majority of pregnant women are working, married and have their husbands/boyfriends/partners look after them when they're pregnant. My mom is a menopausal divorcee with emotional problems and my home life has never been great. As supportive as she's been for me in all this, I don't think itll be healthy for me under her roof. I need to find a way out as soon as possible.

But, at the same time - I do realize how lucky I am to have a free roof to live under for as long as I need it.

Had I chose to have an abortion (or been careful enough not to get pregnant in the first place) I wouldn't be coming home now. I'd probably still be in Australia, travelling, saving money and planning a new adventure to South America or something. But from the moment I found out I was pregnent, I knew that I would never be the same again. I couldn't go on with my life even if I did give it up. Having this baby truly meant more to be than all of my passions. I will do everything possible to give it the life it deserves.

One thing I am excited about - is to start the pre-natal care process! Medical care in Australia was extremely expensive for me, being a non resident. So all I know so far about this baby is that it was normal and healthy at 6 weeks. Lets hope they can tell me the same next week, when I'm at 15 weeks. Knowing the sex would be nice, too. :)

What am I going to DO????

I'm 3 months pregnant, with no life set up or clue about what I'm going to do to make it work. I appear much stronger on the outside to my friends and family than I feel in the inside.

I'm about to return home after 14 months of travelling the world. No form of stability awaits me there, and I have my work cut out for me when it comes to what I have to figure out. I have 6 months to get ready for this baby!

Many people would think that choosing to keep a baby under circumstances like these may be irresponsible. Although it will be the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced, there are some positive sides to my situation that will help me in the path to single motherhood. I have a degree under my belt, job experience and I’m not a teenager. All  good points. I have a massive student loan, but also decent savings, a supportive network of friends and family, and most importantly: a desire to keep this baby. At the end of the day, the biggest question a mother needs to ask herself when facing an unexpected pregnancy is "do I want to have a baby now?"

Thats all for today.